New Stimulus Bill Will Send “Get Well Soon” Balloon To Every Coronavirus Patient
By Jonathan Krone WASHINGTON D.C. – In a sweeping new stimulus bill introduced Monday, Congress announced that every single coronavirus
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Impatient Donald Trump Attempts to Schedule Summit with Coronavirus
by JT Tomlinson WASHINGTON, DC — President Donald Trump has officially declared plans to schedule a leadership summit with the
Read moreViolent Terrorist Puts Pickles on Cop’s Burger Even Though They Specifically Said No Pickles
By Jonathan Krone LUBBOCK, TEXAS – At a local McDonald’s, a violent and dangerous terrorist made an attempt on an
Read moreNation’s Politicians Vow To Talk About Police Reform Until They’re Re-Elected
[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]By Jonathan Krone WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a rousing call that they really hope their constituents will hear, the nation’s
Read more“Why Can’t They Just Protest Peacefully?” Complains Darth Vader
[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]By Drew Thomas-Nathan A GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY — Recent violent scuffles with the Rebel Alliance led Dark Lord of
Read moreMarshall Student Uses Stimulus Check to Buy Three More Stimulus Checks
[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]By Karan Menon UNIVERSITY PARK, CA — In a stroke of financial genius, Marshall School of Business senior Barnett Rogers
Read moreWhite House Panics After Grimes and Elon Musk Name their Baby the Nuclear Launch Codes
[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]By Melanie Hoffmann WASHINGTON, DC — When Tesla CEO Elon Musk and musical artist Claire Boucher (“Grimes”) announced the name
Read moreCDC Recommends Everyone Wear Spider-Man Mask to Distract the Coronavirus and Let the Real Spider-Man Escape
[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]By Drew Thomas-Nathan QUEENS, NY — The Center for Disease Control and Prevention put out new guidelines Thursday morning urging
Read moreUpstart Candidate Clillary Hinton Joins Democratic Race
[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]by Gia King Just as things are beginning to heat up in the race for the Democratic nomination, an already-crowded
Read moreSupreme Court Rules Gerrymandering Unconstitutional Unless District Shaped Like Penis
[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]by Melanie Hoffmann WASHINGTON, DC — The Supreme Court has finally found a compromise regarding the bipartisan issue of gerrymandering.
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