“Why Can’t They Just Protest Peacefully?” Complains Darth Vader

By Drew Thomas-Nathan

A GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY — Recent violent scuffles with the Rebel Alliance led Dark Lord of the Sith and enforcer for the Galactic Empire Darth Vader to ask, “Why can’t they just protest peacefully?”

Darth Vader reaffirmed his support for free speech. “Everyone in the galaxy is allowed to have their own opinions on, say, the Empire using the Death Star’s laser to blow up the planet Alderaan and all its innocent civilians. But that doesn’t mean you have a right to shoot a laser blast into the little opening and explode the whole dang Death Star!”

Last week the rebels successfully took out the Death Star, the Empire’s moon-sized super-weapon/military base, costing the Empire 850 quadrillion credits in damages. Vader says the expensive destruction of private property is where he draws the line. “To top it all off, we didn’t have insurance because no one covers giant laser-moons.”

Darth Vader also noted the Rebellion’s pattern of disrespect for the troops. “I personally know many good stormtroopers, incredibly brave men in white who are putting their lives on the line every day to keep this Empire safe. And this is how these rebel thugs repay them?!” Vader took time to show off the sticker he keeps on his personal holoprojector that reads “White Lives Matter.”

Vader says the Empire is already mobilized to wipe out the rebels at their base on the snow planet Hoth. He offered some guidelines for any future protestors who wish to be spared. “Please protest peacefully without weapons or armor so we can easily crush all dissent–er, I mean so we can hear you without your message being muddled by your association with any violent gangs, smugglers, Jedi, princesses, droids, or wookies. Thank you.”