By Drew Thomas-Nathan
QUEENS, NY — The Center for Disease Control and Prevention put out new guidelines Thursday morning urging Americans to wear a Spider-Man mask when going outdoors. The CDC says the sheer number of Spider-Man masks will confuse the novel coronavirus so that the real Spider-Man can escape.
To clarify: the CDC’s proposed strategy is to have everyone wear a Spider-Man mask so that when the coronavirus goes looking for him in a crowd it’ll spot the mask on someone and shout, “Got you Spider-Man!” But then that person will turn around and the coronavirus will see they have a dress or sweatpants or Ugg boots and growl, “You’re not Spider-Man!” Hopefully the coronavirus will repeat those steps a few times before realizing the entire crowd has Spider-Man masks, by which point the real Spider-Man will have thwipped to safety.
CDC director Robert R. Redfield touted the reliability of this strategy. “It worked when Green Goblin was searching Times Square, and when Doc Oc was scouring the L Train, so it may be the best chance we have to make sure Spider-Man doesn’t catch the disease. Please god, anyone but him.”
Most New Yorkers are already on board. Queens resident Francine Fine said, “He saved me from drowning when Sandman threw my bus off the Brooklyn Bridge. And he technically saved everyone in the universe when he helped beat Thanos. We all owe Spider-Man a solid.”
Construction worker Roy Lombardi, an avid Spidey-fan, is also enthused to bust out his mask. “I don’t care if I get coronavirus as long as my sweet, soft webby boy is safe.” Lombardi added that it’s not about health, it’s about the spirit of New York. “You mess with one of us, you mess with all of us!” he shouted out to the virus, wherever it may be lurking. “Hope it heard that.”
Some are still reluctant to follow the CDC’s advice. Daily Bugle owner J. Jonah Jameson says he doesn’t plan to wear a mask. “The coronavirus is obviously a hoax to scare everyone and tank the economy. Why would Spider-Man need protection from a hoax virus?”
Not only is Jameson ignoring calls for him and other Daily Bugle employees to work from home, he is forcing his employees to also not wear masks. “No one is going to wear a mask here, not even the new guy Peter Parker. Mark my words I’ll be caught dead before you see that boy in a goddamn Spider-Man mask.”