New Stimulus Bill Will Send “Get Well Soon” Balloon To Every Coronavirus Patient

By Jonathan Krone

WASHINGTON D.C. – In a sweeping new stimulus bill introduced Monday, Congress announced that every single coronavirus patient in the country will receive a “Get Well Soon” balloon completely free of charge. 

Republican leadership celebrated the bill, which they say represents a milestone in healthcare legislation. “Our thoughts and prayers are with those suffering from coronavirus and their families,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, “And now, we can express those thoughts and prayers in a tangible, helium-filled way.” 

Democrats also applauded the bill’s passage, although they did not feel it went far enough. “Obviously we stand with all of the victims of this horrible coronavirus,” said House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi, “but this bill is a partisan hack job. Republicans refused to include key ‘greeting card’ and ‘teddy bear’ provisions that we fought very hard for. They wouldn’t even pony up for a weight, these balloons are floating into lights!”

Even Democratic nominee Joe Biden came out in support of the bill. “As I’ve Twittered a few times, I believe that healthcare is, and should be, a, ya know, human right, so. And yes, I support this bill that is a great job and the Congress,” stated the former vice president,  “There’s no way, I mean, no coronavirus patient should have to pay for their own balloon, c’mon, that’s crazy man!” 

After passing the bill, Congress prepared for a 3-month recess after saying the crisis was “pretty much handled.”