Monday, October 15, 2018
Breaking News:
  • Disney Buys the Vatican, Declares Crusades Non-Canon
  • Bible Fan’s Favorite Part is the Cousin Sex
  • Report: Praying Mantis Loses Faith in God
  • Parents Thinking of Trying Restaurant That Opened Five Years Ago
  • Quiz: Which Beatle Are You, Except You Can’t Be Ringo ‘Cause I Called Dibs on Ringo

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Disney Buys the Vatican, Declares Crusades Non-Canon
Local 

Disney Buys the Vatican, Declares Crusades Non-Canon

October 15, 2018 Drew Thomas-Nathan 0
Bible Fan’s Favorite Part is the Cousin Sex
Local 

Bible Fan’s Favorite Part is the Cousin Sex

October 11, 2018 Drew Thomas-Nathan 0
Report: Praying Mantis Loses Faith in God
Local 

Report: Praying Mantis Loses Faith in God

October 8, 2018 Amanda Douglas 0
Parents Thinking of Trying Restaurant That Opened Five Years Ago
Local 

Parents Thinking of Trying Restaurant That Opened Five Years Ago

October 3, 2018 Christine Politte 0
Disney Buys the Vatican, Declares Crusades Non-Canon
Local 

Disney Buys the Vatican, Declares Crusades Non-Canon

October 15, 2018 Drew Thomas-Nathan 0
Bible Fan’s Favorite Part is the Cousin Sex
Local 

Bible Fan’s Favorite Part is the Cousin Sex

October 11, 2018 Drew Thomas-Nathan 0
Report: Praying Mantis Loses Faith in God
Local 

Report: Praying Mantis Loses Faith in God

October 8, 2018 Amanda Douglas 0
Parents Thinking of Trying Restaurant That Opened Five Years Ago
Local 

Parents Thinking of Trying Restaurant That Opened Five Years Ago

October 3, 2018 Christine Politte 0

Local

Disney Buys the Vatican, Declares Crusades Non-Canon
Local 

Disney Buys the Vatican, Declares Crusades Non-Canon

October 15, 2018 Drew Thomas-Nathan 0
by Drew Thomas-Nathan Burbank, CA -- After two decades spent purchasing beloved storytelling institutions, the Walt Disney Company has managed
Bible Fan’s Favorite Part is the Cousin Sex
Local 

Bible Fan’s Favorite Part is the Cousin Sex

October 11, 2018 Drew Thomas-Nathan 0
Report: Praying Mantis Loses Faith in God
Local 

Report: Praying Mantis Loses Faith in God

October 8, 2018 Amanda Douglas 0
Parents Thinking of Trying Restaurant That Opened Five Years Ago
Local 

Parents Thinking of Trying Restaurant That Opened Five Years Ago

October 3, 2018 Christine Politte 0
Trump Cites Crazy Rich Asians as Evidence that China is Winning the Trade War
Local 

Trump Cites Crazy Rich Asians as Evidence that China is Winning the Trade War

October 1, 2018 Melanie Hoffmann 0

News in Brief

Dish In Sink Doesn’t Care Who Washes It, Just Wants Yelling to Stop
News in Brief 

Dish In Sink Doesn’t Care Who Washes It, Just Wants Yelling to Stop

September 6, 2018 Sam Kushell 0
Robert Durst Tries Stand-Up, Kills
News in Brief 

Robert Durst Tries Stand-Up, Kills

March 6, 2018 Alex Greenblatt 0
Poor Family Uses Bread Instead of Hot Dog Buns
News in Brief 

Poor Family Uses Bread Instead of Hot Dog Buns

February 5, 2018 Hannah Ceselski 0
Nikias Emerges From Cocoon of Duct Tape Following Conclusion of UCLA Rivalry Week
News in Brief 

Nikias Emerges From Cocoon of Duct Tape Following Conclusion of UCLA Rivalry Week

November 20, 2017 Staff 0

Politics

Shocker: This Republican Congressman Has a Normal Sex Life
Politics 

Shocker: This Republican Congressman Has a Normal Sex Life

November 15, 2017 Nolan Jones 0
by Nolan Jones WASHINGTON-- In a press conference last Thursday, Congressman Larry Johnson (R-MN) shocked the nation by announcing that
“I’m Doing Absolutely Fantastic” Shouts Donald Trump Swarmed By Bees
Politics 

“I’m Doing Absolutely Fantastic” Shouts Donald Trump Swarmed By Bees

March 29, 2017 Staff 0
Trump and Aides Play Pin the Signature on the Executive Order
Politics 

Trump and Aides Play Pin the Signature on the Executive Order

February 1, 2017 Kim Rogers 0
Trump Announces Presidential Pet: Infertile White Tiger Named Maserati
Politics 

Trump Announces Presidential Pet: Infertile White Tiger Named Maserati

January 20, 2017 Staff 0

World

Tom Cruise Set to Just Fall to His Death in Next Mission Impossible
World 

Tom Cruise Set to Just Fall to His Death in Next Mission Impossible

September 11, 2018 Seth Woodhouse 0
by Seth Woodhouse Mission Impossible: Fallout became a critical and commercial success due to all of the extreme physical stunts that
Scientists Finally Agree On What Constitutes Third Base
World 

Scientists Finally Agree On What Constitutes Third Base

February 8, 2018 Staff 0
Climate Scientists Warn All Video Games Will Include Shitty Underwater Levels by 2026
World 

Climate Scientists Warn All Video Games Will Include Shitty Underwater Levels by 2026

October 9, 2017 Colin McIsaac 0
New Research Concludes Three Alt Rights Do Not Make An Alt Left
World 

New Research Concludes Three Alt Rights Do Not Make An Alt Left

September 15, 2017 Staff 0

Sports

Veggie Platter at Super Bowl Party Left Untouched
Sports 

Veggie Platter at Super Bowl Party Left Untouched

February 6, 2017 Jack Hackett 0
by Jack Hackett and Kim Rogers LOS ANGELES, CA -- When Jerry Moskowitz walked into the joint, he used to
Nation’s Small Talk Soon to Return to Conversations About Football
Sports 

Nation’s Small Talk Soon to Return to Conversations About Football

November 16, 2016 Staff 0
Report: Song Girls’ Hips Defy Laws of Physics
Sports 

Report: Song Girls’ Hips Defy Laws of Physics

February 9, 2016 Rob Smat 0
USC Compromises with Protesters, Promotes One Part-Time Employee to Full-Time
Sports 

USC Compromises with Protesters, Promotes One Part-Time Employee to Full-Time

December 2, 2015 Thomas Marshall 0

Videos

The Sack Totally Roasts UCLA!
Videos 

The Sack Totally Roasts UCLA!

November 17, 2017 Staff 0
Summer 2017 in Review
Videos 

Summer 2017 in Review

August 21, 2017 Hannah Ceselski 0
In Memoriam: Locked Up, Dismantled Bikes
Videos 

In Memoriam: Locked Up, Dismantled Bikes

May 5, 2017 Jack Hackett 0
Spring Break 2017 In Review
Videos 

Spring Break 2017 In Review

March 20, 2017 Staff 0
Wow! This Tour Guide Said “F**k It” and Decided to Give an Honest Tour of Campus
Videos 

Wow! This Tour Guide Said “F**k It” and Decided to Give an Honest Tour of Campus

January 13, 2017 Matt Hanisch 0

Columns

Opinion: I Don’t Like it When You Call Me ‘Big Poppa’
Columns Strong Feelings 

Opinion: I Don’t Like it When You Call Me ‘Big Poppa’

Opinion: I Miss the Drought
Columns Strong Feelings 

Opinion: I Miss the Drought

Hey, The Student Conduct Code Doesn’t Say Anything About Two Cousins and An Earnest Mistake
Columns Strong Feelings 

Hey, The Student Conduct Code Doesn’t Say Anything About Two Cousins and An Earnest Mistake

Benny and the Sharks
Columns Comics 

Benny and the Sharks

Pottermore Quiz: Which Wrinkle on Dobby’s Face Are You?
Attention Vortex Columns 

Pottermore Quiz: Which Wrinkle on Dobby’s Face Are You?

God’s Writers’ Room Running Out of Ideas
Columns Comics 

God’s Writers’ Room Running Out of Ideas

Turkey Roasts Itself
Columns Comics 

Turkey Roasts Itself

This Paper Will Practically Write Itself Once I Get the Dweeb In Front of Me to Write It
Columns Strong Feelings 

This Paper Will Practically Write Itself Once I Get the Dweeb In Front of Me to Write It

Look Out World, I Just Got Bangs, Which Negate All My Previously Ingrained Habits and Personality Traits!
Columns Strong Feelings 

Look Out World, I Just Got Bangs, Which Negate All My Previously Ingrained Habits and Personality Traits!

That’s Not a Sexy Nurse Costume, You’re Just in the ER
Columns Strong Feelings 

That’s Not a Sexy Nurse Costume, You’re Just in the ER

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  • Disney Buys the Vatican, Declares Crusades Non-Canon
  • Bible Fan’s Favorite Part is the Cousin Sex
  • Report: Praying Mantis Loses Faith in God
  • Parents Thinking of Trying Restaurant That Opened Five Years Ago
  • Quiz: Which Beatle Are You, Except You Can’t Be Ringo ‘Cause I Called Dibs on Ringo

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