By Jonathan Krone
LUBBOCK, TEXAS – At a local McDonald’s, a violent and dangerous terrorist made an attempt on an innocent lawman’s life by adding pickles to his burger even though he reportedly “definitely said he didn’t want pickles.”
“It’s just crazy that someone could have this kind of personal vendetta against police,” said Officer Doug Richardson, who is still recovering from critical pickle injuries like an overly salted tongue and dill breath. “Ever since these protests, everyone is treating us like animals, by totally ruining our quarter pounders.”
McDonald’s apologized for the error, stating that they were conducting a thorough investigation and had already docked the wages of every single fry cook and diverted those funds to the local Sheriff’s Department. “We want protesters to know we stand with them, which is why we’ve painted the plywood in our windows with #BLM,” said Michael Jenkins, a spokesperson for the company, “But we most certainly don’t support those who riot, loot, or poison police with pickles.”
“I think this burger murderer should be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law!” said Richard Dougson, president of the Texas police union, “Our officers put their lives on the line every day to protect and serve the citizens of this state and sandwich saboteurs want us to choke on pickles or vomit until we die or something! It’s outrageous!”
Following a thorough investigation by the Texas Bureau of Investigation, it was found that this intentional aggression was “completely accidental” and found “no evidence of foul play” among the evil police-hating employees. Close examination of surveillance footage revealed that Richardson had actually forgotten to mention he didn’t want pickles.
“That shouldn’t matter one bit,” said State Attorney General Ken Paxton, “If a police officer can divine that someone needs to be pulled over for no reason, a minimum wage worker should be able to divine that an officer prefers a burger with no pickles.” He said his office would be pursuing charges against the cashier, all the fry cooks, and the pickle itself.
Luckily, the officer will make a full recovery, and the Antifa member responsible for this calamitous condiment catastrophe was apprehended and shot 11 times in the back.