Court Orders Asian Fraternities to Diversify
By Axel Hellman In a ruling handed down last week, the Los Angeles County Superior Court ordered the Asian fraternities
Read moreCollege
USC Partier Has Existential Crisis, Decides to Ignore It
by Andy Gause Sam Friedman, a junior in the music school majoring in bell, and a member of Delta Tau
Read moreGladiatorial Games to be Held at Coliseum
by Axel Hellman Next Saturday, slaves that USC captured during the Trojan War will be made to fight to the
Read moreUSC Purchases Land South of Campus, Probably Sketchy, Don’t Go There. Do You Want to Get Shot???
by Axel Hellman In a recently approved deal, USC purchased several pieces or real estate south of campus, which, according
Read moreFaculty Member Moves to Introduce “Kiff” to Dictionary
by Matt Kalina Following the defeat of the USC football team by the Washington State Institute for Prospective Nuns (the
Read moreIn Emotional Press Conference, Pat Haden Admits Lane Kiffin was an Elaborate Hoax
by Ryan Lee At a small press conference on Sunday afternoon, USC Athletic Director Pat Haden admitted that he and
Read moreKofi Annan Declines Position as New/North R.A. On Grounds of Being “Too Dangerous”
by Asher Levy Kofi Annan, the former UN Arab League joint special envoy to Syria and author of the Six
Read moreEVK Done Reminded Me of My Sweet Ol’ Mammy’s Cookin’ the Other Day
by Staff Howdy, y’all! Recently I been a-hootin’ and a-hollerin’ about how good the vittles been at EVK. Sure is
Read moreSecurity Measures Upgraded to Include Blood Analysis
by Morgan Greenwald As a result of freshmen’s complaints about the measures taken to increase security, President C. L. Max
Read moreNew/North Janitors Go On Strike
by Jordan Klein The janitors of USC’s New Residential College and North Residential College have refused to continue working because
Read more