Court Orders Asian Fraternities to Diversify

By Axel Hellman

In a ruling handed down last week,  the Los Angeles County Superior Court ordered the Asian fraternities of USC to implement affirmative action campaigns.  The ruling will take effect at the beginning of the next academic year.

The affirmative action programs will guarantee that under-represented groups are treated fairly and equally.

The Asian fraternities at USC are, in descending order, Alpha Delta Kappa, Delta Phi Kappa, Gamma Epsilon Omega, Ping Pong Posse, Sigma Phi Omega, and of course, Asian Beta.

The ruling was a result of a lawsuit filed by freshmen Winston G. Banks III and Shawn Jennings, neither of whom self-identified as Asian, who rushed at a certain Asian fraternity.  The two were not offered bids, and felt that this was because of racial discrimination.

The plaintiffs released a joint statement via their lawyers.  The two were represented by the firm of Bernstein, Churchill, Churchill, Cohen, Smith-Cunningham, FitzGerald, DiPaolo, & Magnusson & Sons, who said, “The despicable practice of racial discrimination has no place in the 21st Century.  We hope that this will set the precedent that anyone can join an Asian fraternity, without regard to their race, ethnicity, religion, sexual orientation, gender, hair color, height or girth.”

The recruitment chair for the USC Asian Greek Council,  Chris Wu,  a senior majoring in agricultural science specializing in alpaca husbandry, welcomed the ruling, “We look forward to Winston and Shawn rushing next semester, and we promise that should either accept a bid, their ‘pledge duties’ will be no less abominable and degrading than those borne by their counterparts of other races.