by Axel Hellman and Dylan Abrams
Next Saturday, slaves that USC captured during the Trojan War will be made to fight to the death at the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum in what promises to be a bloody spectacle full of Trojan pride.
The games will be held to fill the lull that comes with the end of the football season.
Emperor C. L. Maximus Nikias will decide at the end of each fight if the combatants will live or die.
In 1985 an equally violent gladiatorial extravaganza was arranged, but unforeseen complications have prevented more events of this type being held. The event was about to wrap up when the crowd began to sing the Fight Song. The lone remaining gladiator took the words “fight on” literally and continued fighting on even though his opponents had been vanquished. He attacked referees and other bystanders, killing 6.
The Coliseum will be outfitted with new vomitoriums, Roman-style vomiting chambers, which students who drink too much while tailgating beforehand will no doubt find convenient.
Some students object to the violent nature of Saturday’s games. Angela Dowd, a sophomore majoring in LGBTQ engineering, explained her misgivings, “It’s horrible, making these people compete in a violent contest in which they could be injured and maimed, all just for our amusement. I much prefer football.”
At the end of the day’s events, football coach Lane Kiffin will be fed to the lions for his poor performance this season.