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Class Sits In Complicit Silence As YouTube Autoplay Counts Down Behind Professor

January 19, 2024January 19, 2024 Bill Rockas

By Bill Rockas LOS ANGELES, CA – During Professor Horace Broadlong’s Astronomy 200 lecture, an entire auditorium of students sat

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REPORT: Christmas Doesn’t Feel “Magic” Anymore Because You’re a 20-Year-Old Alcoholic

December 25, 2023December 25, 2023 Finn Rollings

By Finn Rollings HOMETOWN, USA – As swift snowflakes swirl, cooling your hot cocoa, and the soft hum of yuletide

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“Now Bring Us Some Figgy Pudding!” Chants Increasingly Violent Mob

December 23, 2023December 23, 2023 Bill Rockas

By Bill Rockas MILWAUKEE, WI – Tragedy struck at 6:20 P.M., December 15 when a small group of carolers were

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Breaking: Dulce Barista Doesn’t Really Like Your Outfit, Just Whoring Himself Out For That Tip

December 7, 2023December 6, 2023 Megan Dang

By Megan Dang LOS ANGELES, CA — This just in: the swoony Dulce barista who complimented your outfit the other

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Forensic Scientists Open Investigation Into Whether Two Mutuals Are Still Dating

December 4, 2023December 3, 2023 Bill Rockas

By Bill Rockas BOULDER, CO – Forensic scientists are conducting various tests across multiple social media platforms to understand whether

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Inside Out 2 Reveals Newest Emotion: Slow-Creeping Existential Dread

November 29, 2023November 26, 2023 Megan Dang

by Megan Dang LOS ANGELES, CA — Pixar has just announced the newest addition to Inside Out 2’s zany cast

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Trojan Knights Chest Paint Accidentally Spells Out The Name of The Forbidden One, Summoning His Wretchedness from the Depths

November 15, 2023November 13, 2023 Finn Rollings

By Finn Rollings LOS ANGELES, CA – In a scramble of epic proportions, The Trojan Knights, the official hosts of

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From the Archives: Top 10 Commandments

September 18, 2023October 23, 2024 Julian Avrith

From the Archives: Top 10 Commandments By Julian Avrith MOUNT SINAI, EGYPT– As the newly enlightened people of Israel and

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News Outlets Admit “We Can’t Keep Up With These Trump Indictments Either”

August 10, 2023August 10, 2023 Bill Rockas

By Bill Rockas WASHINGTON, DC – In response to former President Donald Trump’s fourth indictment, all major news outlets announced

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Mitch McConnell Hit By Brain Freeze After Secret Ice Cream Date With President Biden

August 10, 2023August 10, 2023 Joshua Wolk

WASHINGTON — Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell suddenly stopped speaking during a Republican news conference on Wednesday on account of

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  • E-Scooter Snuck Into Doheny and Leavey
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Student Accidentally Attends Non-Football Sporting Event

February 9, 2014 Staff No Comment

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