Woman Describing Her Type Accidentally Just Describes Paul Bunyan With Scary Accuracy

By Megan Dang

CLEVELAND, OH — When delusional single woman Ronnie Davis described her type to her friends, they were all disturbed to hear she just described fictional lumberjack Paul Bunyan down to every exact detail. 

Her descriptions seemed unassuming and innocent at first. “I just feel like we should bring back masculine men,” she said. “I love a big, burly guy with a nice full beard. And I appreciate when a man knows how to dress. Nothing does it for me like a man in flannel.” Her friends nodded along approvingly, oblivious to the horrors that were about to unfold in the next few moments. 

Davis went on, “My ideal man is seven feet tall with a seven-foot stride… has a hotcake griddle so big that men skate across it with bacon to grease it… ooh, and bonus points if he made the Grand Canyon with his ax. Am I right?” 

Davis became increasingly defensive when her friends suggested that she was describing gargantuan lumberjack of American tall tale fame, Paul Bunyan. “Oh my god, I don’t want to fuck Paul Bunyan,” Davis protested. “I’m just saying, I wouldn’t mind if he traveled with a blue ox named Babe and had a logging camp on the Big Onion River! Isn’t that every little girl’s dream?” 

Davis’s friends tried everything to break her out of her psychosis, showing her pictures of real-life alternatives like Nick Offerman and David Harbour to no avail. However, on a recent road trip to Sunbury, Ohio, a new man finally caught Davis’s eye: a 7-foot statue of Johnny Appleseed. “Screw big and burly, I want scrawny and barefoot,” Davis said, drool dripping from her mouth like an opossum with stage 3 rabies. “I’d let him plant my appleseeds any day.” As Davis passionately made out with the statue, her friends slowly backed into their car and drove away without her.