By Finn Rollings
HOMETOWN, USA – As swift snowflakes swirl, cooling your hot cocoa, and the soft hum of yuletide hymnals drift lazily through the crisp Winter air, you may be overcome with a potent feeling of: meh. According to recent reports, it appears that “Christmas Magic” doesn’t occur in early-stage substance abusers who are home for the holidays from college.
As the terminally online clamor to find why “Christmas isn’t magical anymore,” a research team of elves from the North Pole Science Division has worked around the clock studying college kiddos gone home for the holidays. The team concluded Christmas magic apparently relies on being what they’ve dubbed a “pre pre teen,” or what some would call “a child.”
Kathleen Marston, one such research subject, was observed at her hometown bar. “I don’t have a child-like sense of wonder and amazement and I can’t figure out why,” shared Marston amid sips of an IPA that looked, smelled, and tasted like cat urine (and was even branded as such). “I used to literally shake with excitement at the prospect of Santa bringing gifts, but now I only shake from the alcohol withdrawals. I mean, how am I expected to go to a Christmas Eve church service when it clearly conflicts with shot-o’clock?”
Marston was airlifted from Our Lady of Indulgence Parish later that evening after collapsing with cold sweats in the middle of the 6th verse of “Silent Night.” We are happy to report she is back and healthier than ever after self-administering three shots of tequila via IV drip.
The research suggests that around the time that you start looking forward to holidays such as Blackout Wednesday, Nasty Nineteen, and St. Patrick’s Day more than Christmas and Easter, the magic has already fled your aging system. Sure, it’s cute in college, but crush nine White Claws, start dancing from cubicle to cubicle at your company’s Christmas party, and you’re going straight on the naughty list (and not in the kinky way you probably like).
To spark the spirit, researchers released a revised publication of its findings with a list of substances that actually increase Christmas merriment and good cheer including but not limited to: psilocybin, raw reindeer meat, and drinking so much unspiked egg nog you wildly hallucinate while pissing on the tree.