Loser Kid Upstaged by His Father at Trojan Family Weekend

by Sydney Sanchez

USC— At the Trojan Family Weekend freshman Jacob Kowalski had planned to show his parents the impressive university he now calls his home, but he was shoved aside by people flocking to hang out with his even cooler dad.

“I was so excited to show my parents my new room and take them to a USC football game. I just didn’t know they would get so into it,” said Kowalski with a hint of regret in his voice.

Kowalski brought his parents to the row for a house tailgate with his pledge brothers and their parents. As if no time had passed, Mr. Kowalski jumped back into his college days, shotgunning four beers, pulling a one-minute-30-second keg stand, and nailing his son at beer die while Jacob’s mother cheered him on.

“Honestly, I thought I raised this kid better,” said Mr. Kowalski after sinking a third cup in beer pong, “but he turned out to be a pretty pathetic loser. That’s no reflection of me.”

As people began to dance along to the house DJ, Jacob Kowalski sat below the basketball hoop kicking Budweiser cans while his dad took body shots off of his crush Meghan.

“Dude, your dad is so dope, man,” yelled frat star Johnny Brett. “You should totally have him swing by our register next weekend!”

At the football game, Jacob sat a row behind his dad and his fraternity brothers while they all yelled obscenities at the ref.