Traveler’s Early Retirement Followed by Suspicious Meat in the Parkside Dining Hall
By Dean Woods LOS ANGELES, CA – Following a typical Saturday evening at the Coliseum, packed with sweaty football fans,
Read more
College
To Ensure Attention, USC Classrooms Will Now Feature TVs Playing Cropped Footage of Subway Surfers
By Bill Rockas LOS ANGELES, CA – In an effort to maintain student attention, USC will play cropped footage of
Read more
Holy Shit: Person In Your Class Last Semester Also In Your Class This Semester
By Jackson Parker LOS ANGELES, CA – Sources have confirmed that the guy who just walked into your classroom looks
Read more
Finals Week Theater Major Discovers Mysterious Campus Building Labelled “LIBRARY”
By Finn Rollings LOS ANGELES, CA – A USC School of Dramatic Arts major has made archeological history this finals
Read more
Cheer Heard After Leaving Party Was About You
By Phineas Kelly LOS ANGELES, CA – According to multiple attendees, that enormous cheer that erupted from the party moments
Read more
New North Roommates Fight to Death Over Whether or Not to Have a Polaroid Wall
By Lily McLaughlin LOS ANGELES, CA – Last week, two female New North residents created complete chaos over their month-long
Read more
USC Defensive Coordinator Revealed To Be A “Welcome” Doormat
By Bill Rockas LOS ANGELES, CA – USC football fans are shocked after the reveal that defensive coordinator Alex Grinch
Read more
Econ Major Explains Opportunity Cost of Not Dating Him
By Bill Rockas AUSTIN, TX – After multiple rejections, Economics major Carl Smattford has resorted to explaining the quantifiable
Read more
USC Carrot Shot and Killed
By Lily McLaughlin LOS ANGELES, CA – This past week, the USC carrot mascot was mercilessly shot and killed outside
Read more
Student Nominated for Academy Award for Role in “Alcohol? What’s That?” 
By Phineas Kelly LOS ANGELES, CA – On Saturday, the Academy of Motion Pictures announced that USC Sophomore Jacob Stall
Read more