You’re Going to Joshua Tree This Fall Break? Well, I’m Going to Work at the Fucking Razor Factory

By Julian Avrith

LOS ANGELES, CA– I think it’s really cute that you’re spending this fall break goofing off at Joshua Tree because, me personally, I’m getting serious and using my free time to work at the goddamn razor factory. 

You might have assumed that when we both raised our hands to answer the professor’s mild, uninterested query of “Doing anything fun this break?” that you were anything like me. And yet, there you are getting in your car and traveling to the beautiful California desert surrounded by loving friends, and here I am, working graveyard shifts in the place He forgot. I don’t do this because I have to, or anybody wanted me to, or asked me to, or even hired me. This is an act of defiance against this institution we call life. 

We all have proverbial Joshua Trees in life. The razor factory is a proverbial factory for razors, in that it makes razors. I will never go to Joshua Tree, I will never go to A Joshua Tree. I will never find My Joshua Tree. That’s because I’m working at the razor factory over fall break if you weren’t listening.

So drive, drive away, fly away as you will when the angels return to Earth. And when those horns from the heavens blow through the clouds, a shadow in the light like the eye of a hurricane will cloak me in black… for I have cast away God, I have cast away God at the razor factory. Spare no mind to that little thing packed with your toiletries, gleaming under Joshua Tree sun… for— OW!

OW. ow. Owie. ow. Ow. ow. Goddammit. Ow.