Student Not Here to Make Friends, Have Fun, Get Sleep, Graduate
by Keith Herrmann Viterbi freshman Sydney Eriksson announced that she did not come to USC to make friends, nor have Read more
Local
The Entire United Kingdom Drops Their Pretend Accents
by Susi Basse LONDON, ENGLAND -- The United Kingdom shocked the world today after a UN meeting in which the Read more
Local Man Disappointed He Gave Away Good Edibles to Lightweight Trick or Treaters
by Finn Kobler FLAGSTAFF, AZ – Outrage percolated around 23-year-old Gabriel Boulton this Halloween after he received multiple complaints from Read more
Dentist Saving Best Toothbrushes For Self on Halloween
by Drew Thomas-Nathan SAN DIEGO, CA -- Dr. Ted Denison, a 44-year-old local dentist with patients from ages 4 to Read more
Sam Darnold Spotted Wandering Through Streets of Newark in Search of Nearest Cupcake ATM
by Dan Toomey Residents of Newark, New Jersey were stunned to find former USC quarterback and New York Jets rookie Read more
Report: Bob Dylan Isn’t Dead, But A Few Of You Thought He Was, Right?
by Joey Rayburn MALIBU, CA – Bob Dylan has prevailed as one of the most surprising artists of the last Read more
Audience at Concert Has Surprisingly Deep Voice
by Amanda Douglas OAKLAND, CA – At a recent Oracle concert, patrons and employees alike were shocked by the surprisingly Read more
Pole Everyone Kicks During Football Games Speaks Out About Abuse
by Jose Cardenas EXPOSITION BLVD, CA -- USC faced a new scandal this week as that one pole everyone kicks Read more
Report: Mom Not Going to Ask You Again
by Christine Politte It’s been two hours since Mom asked you to take out the trash, and you haven’t moved Read more
Disney Buys the Vatican, Declares Crusades Non-Canon
by Drew Thomas-Nathan Burbank, CA -- After two decades spent purchasing beloved storytelling institutions, the Walt Disney Company has managed Read more