LOS ANGELES, CA –– This Monday, Eater LA announced that the 2022 top bar crawl is just Chabad, Hillel, and then Chabad again.
“Most clubs on the West Coast cost a pretty penny, but these two dive bars are free if you don’t count the taxing guilt of skipping services,” critic Jordan Applebaum raved in his annual ranking. “Plus, they don’t card.”
Following the prestigious recognition, two drunk patrons were spotted being escorted out of Chabad. They were both pledges to a nearby frat.
“This is bullshit, man. We were singing karaoke but this guy kept hogging the mic and chanting gibberish,” slurred one brother who introduced himself as Elizabeth Warren but then changed his name to Jeff because that was funnier. “Everyone else was following along with these huge-ass books but the one they gave me was just filled with random scribbles.”
The friends then left Hillel and stumbled upon the Caruso Center on their way back to Chabad. “We kept asking the bartender for wine but he would only offer us some dude’s blood,” explained Jeff. “And then he told us to call him father even after I said that I wasn’t into that shit.”
Jeff attempted to take off his shirt to flex but instead got stuck and toppled over.
“I took a sip. I’ll try anything once,” hiccuped the other brother, wearing an inside-out kippah and four clearly-stolen Star of David necklaces. He also introduced himself as Jeff, resulting in the two squaring up but then hugging it out in a super masculine manner.
While neither Jeff nor Jeff Two are Jewish, the two bars allow everyone in to help acquaint non-Jewish people to the faith and dismantle harmful stereotypes.
“You know, tonight helped me realize that we’re all not so different,” Jeff Two said, gripping Jeff’s hand in solidarity. “Jews are just like Christians except you guys killed Jesus.”