Wow! One Ambiguously Flirty Encounter With A Medium Ugly Man Completely Restores Woman’s Self-Confidence

By Megan Dang

LOS ANGELES, CA — Last Friday, college sophomore Heather Roland’s self-confidence skyrocketed after a vaguely flirty encounter with a medium ugly peer. 

Leading up to the exchange, Roland’s self-esteem was at an all-time low—and not in a fun, frisky way like the American emo-pop rock band from the 2000s. Roland was struggling with severe levels of body dysmorphia and self-loathing that she had only ever experienced by looking at herself in the monitoring camera at the Target self-checkout or in that warped mirror she bought for her freshman dorm. But all of that was about to change with one enchanting, completely delusional interaction. 

During Roland’s mind-numbing WRIT 340 seminar, she was eying the extremely average-looking crush she developed solely to escape her boredom, Paul Schmidt, who looks kind of like the personification of a Nature Valley bar. To her surprise, Schmidt leaned over to her and asked if she had a pencil. When she handed him a ballpoint pen, he exclaimed, “Whoa! Awesome sauce.” Talk about sexual tension! Is this Breaking Bad? Because this kind of chemistry should be illegal! 

“It was obvious that Paul was devastatingly obsessed with me,” Roland boasted. “He could have just said ‘good sauce’, or ‘platonic sauce’, or ‘Chick-Fil-A-Polynesian sauce’. But he went out of his way to specify that the sauce was awesome. Like, oh my god, take a girl to dinner first!” 

Roland went home that day feeling like a million bucks. She even stopped on the way to her dorm to partake in a spontaneous Hall & Oates flash mob a la  Joseph Gordon-Levitt in 500 Days Of Summer in the middle of Trousdale. “Honestly, it’s hard being this sexy and desirable,” Roland remarked smugly, all traces of self-doubt and humility completely eviscerated. “I just hope all the men at this school don’t get all Hunger Games Cornucopia while they’re fighting over me next time I stop at Seeds for a salmon bowl.”