Opinion: Everyone’s Sex Positive Till They See How I Do It

By Bill Rockas

LOS ANGELES, CA – Modern culture has made leaps and bounds in promoting the values necessary to make sex safe and free of shame. However, despite all the advances in sex positivity, none of y’all will ever be able to stomach the freaky shit I’ve been on.

It is well known that my lifestyle makes 50 Shades of Grey look like the Book of Mormon. Renowned sex therapist Dr. Allison Gottle recently addressed this phenomenon at a sexual empowerment rally, saying, “We have made such great progress in shifting the culture towards open-minded ideals. However, we should all close our minds when it comes to that guy right there,” pointing to me in my unassuming cargo shorts and graphic t-shirt that looks like I’m wearing a tuxedo. Sexy, right? She clarified, “He’s not performing any misconduct, but his consensual, high-octane kinky lifestyle is out of control.” She went on to explain that I have been seen by over twenty sex therapists, all of whom have been driven to madness in their attempts to fix me after being overcome by disgust, which was obviously just intense bouts of lust.

In fact, the cosmic weight of my palpable sexual energy is actively making other relationships more bland. Physicist Dr. Alex Lidwell explained, “In the theory of General Relativity, matter causes space to curve. A higher mass will act upon the space-time continuum in even greater value. This applies to sexual energy as well. You see, the raw, capital ‘ph’ PHREAK energy this subject is emitting is unwittingly turning other people’s sex lives into unsatisfying vanilla-ass body smushing. Where others attempt to perform the predictable ‘P in V’, this subject is working with the whole alphabet and then some. If you are experiencing intimacy issues, it’s because of him and him alone.”

Certain critics have argued that I am “unattractive” or “the most virgin looking man to walk the planet”, and previous partners can attest. An anonymous source detailed, “He’s not all that good looking nor does he know how to hold a conversation nor eye contact, but the sex was… there were a lot of bells and whistles. As in literal bells and literal whistles. A lot of ‘AWOOGA’ sounds. I think I saw Civil War ghosts. I don’t even know if I really enjoyed it. But I do know that I’m an entirely different person after having it.”