By Bill Rockas
BOSTON, MA – Colorblind sixth grade teacher Dave Pendleton arrived at his classroom wearing all red and was rightfully pinched to death.
Pendleton reportedly wished all a fantastic St. Patrick’s Day as he strode down the halls of the Irish Catholic school: St. Colin Farrell’s Learnin’ School for Good Lads. After a preliminary check for green socks or hidden accessories resulted in a lack of the viridian hue, students broke into a riot. “It’s not feckin’ fair! He didn’t play by the rules!!” exclaimed sixth grader Seamus “Dublin” O’Connor-Doherty while taking a hearty swig of a Guinness pint.
Seamus’ class as well as reinforcements from others soon swarmed Pendleton. The school teacher fell backwards into the students’ medieval traps intended to catch classroom leprechauns. The contraptions bound his hands and his foot was snagged by a bear trap. He was then brutally submerged by a swarm of children fulfilling God’s will. Pendleton failed to learn from his egregious crimes exclaiming “Stop, please! My sweatshirt is green! My pants too!”
Pendleton’s skin was quickly pinched off his body followed by hair, then teeth, arteries, eyes, bones, and finally his large intestine. In light of the tragedy, the school nailed a note to the door of Pendleton’s classroom apologizing for hiring “the bastard heretic.” One can only hope that in his final moments, Pendleton realized his red blood matched the color of his wardrobe.