By Audrey Serrano
LOS ANGELES, CA — Local woman Meg Bateman is claiming to be a victim of “Catholic Guilt,” though her recent actions have proven that she is just an awful, terrible, despicable excuse for a human being.
Bateman began feeling “Catholic Guilt” last autumn when her Nietzsche-reading boyfriend suggested she read The Antichrist: A Criticism of Christianity. Bateman began questioning the merit behind the idea of an all-powerful deity, as well as the merit behind the idea of basic human decency.
Bateman is a lapsed Catholic, meaning that she attends mass on Easter in order to experience what she deems the “Lana Del Rey Vinyl” aesthetic. Bateman is also a lapsed morally sound individual, meaning that she sells Flum bars to twelve-year-olds and ashes her cigarettes out into the backpacks of elementary school children, once again to be “Lana Del Rey Vinyl.”
While Bateman’s previous actions have disconnected her from the Church in minor ways, such as using God’s name in vain, looking up ‘girls kissing’ on Google search and taking ‘Am I Gay?’ quizzes on Buzzfeed, her recent choices have escalated to more heinous deeds that disconnect her from society as a whole. In the past month, Bateman has cheated with her boyfriend with what she calls a “consensual workplace relationship,” shoplifted over 3,000 dollars worth of Aritzia merchandise, and committed arson at a local public library.
After murdering a family of five, Bateman cried over breaking the sixth of the Ten Commandments, “Thou shall not kill.” Bateman has since apologized for disobeying the precepts of the Roman Catholic Church by reciting the 10 Hail Marys assigned to her by Our Lady of Perpetual Depression’s Father John Miller. She has yet to express any remorse for disobeying United States homicide laws.
“I just feel that I’m letting down God,” said Bateman from the chapel of the Downtown LA Metropolitan Detention Center.
Not only did Bateman’s actions let down the Christian God, they disappointed the Buddha, People’s Temple Leader Jim Jones and the scumbag Prius driver who cut you off this morning merging onto the I-10 West.