USC Career Fair Offering Internships to Winner of Mud Wrestling Bracket 

By Phineas Kelly

LOS ANGELES, CA – In an exciting twist for upcoming graduates, USC announced that all open internship positions at campus career fairs will be offered exclusively to the winner of an elimination-style mud-wrestling tournament.

University President Carol Folt announced the formation of the tournament at an ROTC parade in her honor, in a powerful demonstration of the strength of her regime. Folt went on to declare the tournament “a time-honored tradition I just made up” and “like if the Olympics had consequences”. President Folt then graciously pardoned twenty students on death row for shoplifting from the bookstore, declared, “May the jobs be ever in your favor,” and exited the stage to thunderous applause.

Companies offering summer internships have praised Folt for her bold new direction in career advancement. David Solomon, CEO of Goldman Sachs, commented, “Our interns have always been too skinny, too afraid. We want young adults willing to kill for us. We want to be a little freaked out when we see them across the hall holding coffee like it’s a Dixie cup.” Kirkland & Ellis LLP, the largest law firm in the world by revenue, also supported the change: “Who would you rather hire: six law nerds with pocket protectors, or one psychopathic machine with the memory of death in their eyes? We both know which one closes deals.”

The plan has generated significant debate on campus. Some student groups have protested the announcement, calling it an “egregious act of favoritism” geared towards high-income students who can afford expensive mud-wrestling lessons. “I mean, I’ll be okay since my dad’s been footing the bill for mud-related combat since I was a kid, but what about the poor kids? Or the ones who can’t afford steroids?” said senior Eric Altman. Golok the Caveman, a super-super-super senior at the Marshall School of Business, said, “Me happy. Like mud and crushing skulls. Excited for a new opportunity at McKinsey this summer.” Golok is currently ranked #1 seed and the favorite to win the tournament, with offers from JP Morgan and the United States Marine Corps.

The matches will take place in a muddy grass spot next to Leavey Library, with a live betting pool available on DraftKings.