by Rob Smat
CALABASAS, CA — Following an alleged egging of a neighbor’s home, Justin Bieber’s house was searched by police this past Tuesday.
The search was conducted by over twenty members of the taxpayer-funded LAPD, none of whom had any idea what they were supposed to be looking for.
The eggings occurred the previous night, causing over $20,000 of damage to a neighbor’s house (who will likely have to do tens of minutes of hard work to afford the repairs). The high damage cost can be attributed to the neighbor’s use of hundred dollar bills as shingles and failure to coat his entire house in Pam non-stick cooking spray.
However, the reasons for searching the Bieber mansion were still unclear.
“I was about halfway through searching the house when I realized I was just kind of strolling around looking at the records and stuff,” reports Cpt. Fred Barns. “That’s when I realized I really had no idea what I was supposed to be looking for.”
The search lasted hours, and the arrival of coverage teams from every major news network blockaded the neighborhood for miles. (At this time, no California politicians have been accused of causing the traffic issues due to vendettas.)
Sgt. Corey Lewis, a fan of Bieber since he joined the police academy, mentioned his own dilemmas with the search: “I knew there was an issue with egging, but I mean, does that mean I should be looking for eggs? Can you get arrested for owning eggs?”
“I’m just happy to see the place,” reported Lewis, while scouring the room for a souvenir to impress his niece. (Lewis was unaware that his niece had not been infatuated with Bieber since 2009, before the rise of One Direction and the boy band that will replace them.)
At midnight, Bieber’s personal assistant Lil Za was arrested on accounts of drug possession. Za will most likely represent himself in court, as he happens to be a summa cum laude graduate of Yale’s PhD law program and a leading aide to various Supreme Court justices.
At press time, Sgt. Lewis was reported to have framed a search warrant in his office with a small autograph in the corner.
All officers involved agreed they had a nice morning and concluded that, despite his probable crimes, Bieber was a “polite and hospitable young lady.”