by Emily Halaka
LOS ANGELES, CA – As investigators continued to search for the body of murdered Glendale native Derek Chiu this past Wednesday evening, they made a startling discovery: Chiu was in fact alive.
“Pretending to be dead was my only hope,” reasoned Chiu as surprised paramedics checked his vitals. “My roommate wanted me to take him to LAX at five-thirty on a Friday and I was just like, ‘Dude, how little do you value my own livelihood that you’d expect me to plumb the depths of human despair and indecency in that Departures level traffic, bro?’”
“I thought it might be simpler to let him believe I was brutally murdered and hide out under a freeway overpass until this whole ‘flying home to Denver for the weekend’ thing died down,” the fugitive explained to law enforcement officers.
According to police reports, when Chiu’s roommate Jack Warren requested a ride to the Los Angeles International Airport, Chiu immediately grew pale, agreed, and then promptly disappeared. As Warren’s departure time grew closer, with Chiu nowhere to be found, Warren grew concerned.
When Warren entered Chiu’s bedroom, he discovered what appeared to be a puddle of human blood on the floor and a note made of cut-out magazine letters that read “Derek is dead. Take an Uber, man. It’s not that bad if you leave early and do a pool. I chopped up his body like Steve Buscemi in Fargo and you’ll never find him.”
“It was gonna take like two hours to get down there and drop him off, and another hour to get back,” opined the malnourished and physically decaying Chiu, watching officers gather his belongings from the squalid hideout in which he’d planned to spend an indefinite amount of time surviving.
“Derek is one sick fuck,” contemplated Warren as he watched Chiu ushered into the back of a police car. “But honestly? The Uber really wasn’t that bad.”