USC Fades Into Nothingness As It Cancels All Future Events

by Aidan Driscoll

LOS ANGELES, CA –– This week, in the wake of canceling its valedictorian’s speech, its guest speakers, and the main commencement ceremony, USC has now canceled all future events and ultimately vanished from the face of the Earth.

“As always, we must prioritize safety,” Provost Andrew Guzman wrote in USC’s final statement in this physical realm. “And you can’t hurt what doesn’t exist *wicked grin*.” Provost Guzman was not available for further comment as nobody has heard from him since the statement’s release, and all records of his existence have seemingly been scrubbed from international databases.

The cancellations aimed to quell outcry from pro-Palestinian protestors occupying what was formerly Alumni Park. With the entire campus evaporated from this layer of reality, the activists found themselves left in a blank white void just south of downtown Los Angeles. Despite their disappointment that they will no longer have housing, classes, or degrees, protestors celebrated the silver lining that USC can not support genocide from beyond perceivable reality.

Some critics believe USC President Carol Folt overreacted when she canceled USC as an idea, but others support erasing its existence as a necessary precaution against the threat of … something? Honestly we don’t really know. When asked for clarification, Folt said “Look over there!” and ran away while we were distracted. Her current whereabouts are still unknown. Additionally, all memories of her are quickly fading from the minds of the now former USC student-faculty body. Many agree these controversial cancellations will irreparably damage the legacy of Karen Foot and I don’t remember who we were talking about, wait what was I saying? Whatever, probably wasn’t important.

The empty vacuum of space time left in the wake of USC’s evanescence has proven the perfect area for South Central residents to host picnics, hold community meetings, and test the limits of the material plane. Visitors are warned to avoid the area previously occupied by the School of Cinematic Arts, as it is reportedly haunted by disembodied voices mansplaining how Geroge Lucas was a student there in the ’60s. These phantom film bros have driven at least three locals insane.

Despite dematerializing to the point of defying all known laws of nature, USC will still charge tuition for the upcoming semester.