USC Students Inconvenienced, Thrilled by SAG Awards

by Madeline Karabian

Many USC students have eagerly anticipated the 20th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, held at the Shrine Auditorium this Saturday—counting down the moments until we could, once again, be in awe of Jennifer Lawrence, her overdone awkwardness and her Kate Gosselin haircut—but most Trojan fans were not impressed.

The Shrine Auditorium, usually home to events no one pays attention to, had detailed security, barricades and scruffy limo drivers on their smoking breaks surrounding the area, preventing some students from returning home.

Lila Eubanks, an equine studies major, was especially upset with all the traffic.

“I just wanted to get back to my apartment to watch the Awards on TV,” Eubanks said. “I really didn’t appreciate seeing the celebrities on my walk home when I could’ve seen them on TV. They’re actually super ugly in person.”

Terror struck both celebrities and mere mortals alike when USC students knocked over a barrier in their desperate attempts to touch Julia Roberts’ hair.

“Sometimes I forget that if you push on something with, like, um, your body weight, it can fall over,” physics major Mark Hanker said.

The barricade nearly hit America’s Sweetheart and Nicholas Cage’s National Treasure Julia Roberts, but thankfully the actress was able to block any potential impact with her alien-esque mouth.

Shortly after the fall, Roberts checked back with the fans to see if they were okay.

Still upset by not being able to get back to her apartment in time for the Awards, Eubanks, who was one of the fans Roberts greeted, was not excited.

“Yeah, she’s my favorite actress,” Eubanks said. “But I never said I wanted to meet her or anything. I’ve seen August: Osage County. That Julia can be a real bitch.”