Student Finally Watches Hentai Without Subtitles After Four Years of Japanese
By Lili Adkins
LOS ANGELES, CA –– USC senior Simon Griffin reports that after eight laborious semesters of intensive Japanese courses, he has finally achieved his lifelong goal of watching hentai without subtitles.
A game design major from Tulsa, Oklahoma, Griffin first discovered his affinity for Japanese animation at the curious age of eleven. “I will never forget the first time I laid eyes upon cartoon titties,” he reminisces. “That moment changed my life. Before, I was just some average American guy with no appreciation for global cultures. I was ignorant,” he reports, as a tear glistened in his eye, “but I promised myself that as soon as I had the opportunity to learn Japanese and educate myself, I would.”
Griffin’s Japanese professors describe him as a dedicated and passionate student. “You can tell that Simon is very interested in Japanese language and culture,” Dr. Matsumoto reports. “At first, I thought it was a little bizarre that he wanted me to translate some very… erotic texts during office hours, but I soon understood that his passion arose from a love for hentai. I of course encouraged him to apply for the Japanese Department’s Silly Baka Scholarship, which he was awarded his sophomore year.”
Griffin views his experience learning Japanese as nothing short of enlightening. “While hentai has always been a sexual aspect of my life, I now view it as a spiritual, educational, and artistic one as well. Watching the animation without having to read the subtitles really expanded my worldview. It grounded me.”
Those close to Griffin report being happy for his achievements, but concerned about his obsession. Griffin’s ex-girlfriend (who begged to remain anonymous) explains just how passionate the gamer is.
“Don’t get me wrong, it’s impressive he’s fluent, but Simon is a very disturbed person,” she says. “Hentai controlled our entire relationship. He would always do these crappy drawings of me as a naked anime girl, he would ask me to wear a maid outfit to the grocery store, and he would make me call him ‘senpai.’ Like, dude, you’re literally an Italian from Tulsa. Every week I would get a text that said ‘Happy Thick Thigh Thursday,’ with, you know, corresponding images. Who does that?”
Disturbed or not, Griffin plans to continue cultivating his Japanese skills into the foreseeable future. In fact, he is planning a trip across the Pacific this summer, where he hopes to find a suitable woman who dresses suspiciously like a high schooler.
Image by Danny Choo from Tokyo, Japan, CC BY-SA 2.0 https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0, via Wikimedia Commons
