Guy Gets A Little Too Into TrojanLearn Roleplay

By Megan Dang

LOS ANGELES, CA — USC sophomore Thomas Tracy raised some eyebrows when he was a little too enthusiastic about the roleplay segment of his TrojanLearn Zoom seminar. 

Earlier this semester, USC students were subjected to an online TrojanLearn course about appropriate sexual conduct, because nothing screams consent like a non-consensual two-hour torture session. Even the student instructors looked suspiciously as though they were being held at gunpoint as they begged, guilt-tripped, and blackmailed participants into keeping their cameras turned on to “foster a more inclusive environment”. It wasn’t an engaging time for anybody—except for Tracy, as everyone discovered when they transitioned from TrojanForeplay to TrojanRoleplay. 

Students were prompted to demonstrate how somebody might ask for fellatio in a respectful, polite manner. Their responses indicated varying degrees of IDGAFness, from “May I receive a consensual, feminist, and empowering blowjob so long as you are comfortable with it?” to the simple but effective “Head, pwease?” None of the students anticipated the horrors of Tracy’s roleplay kink that they were about to endure as he unmuted.

“I respect you as a sexual partner, but more importantly, as a woman,” Tracy said passionately, not dissimilar to a high school Shakespeare performance. “I love you with all of my mind, body, and soul; nowhere do I feel safer than with my head nestled upon your bosom. I know we have not fornicated often since little Percy began kindergarten… you’re so busy tending your mother’s scarlet fever, and in my loneliness, I confess I’ve turned to drink. But you’re still the woman I married that hazy August morning six years ago. Maybe I’m not quite who I was then… O, what a farce! I’m half a shell of the man you swore yourself to at the altar. I know this is far from the life you dreamed of, back when you were just a humble farmhand in your one-horse town. But that doesn’t mean you have to give up on this. Give up on us.”

About nineteen minutes into this self-indulgent soliloquy, one of the instructors was finally forced to stage an intervention, cutting Tracy off mid-sentence. They then reminded Tracy that the initial roleplay request was to ask politely for oral sex. “Oh, right,” Tracy said. “Head, pwease?” He received full participation points.