USC Admin Only Making Bad Decisions Because They Like The News Helicopters

By Jackson Parker

LOS ANGELES, CA — USC President Carol Folt has announced the school’s administration has been purposefully creating controversy so that news helicopters will come. “We just love walking outside and feeling like we’re at a modestly sized military base,” Folt said in a statement before repeating herself several times to be audible over the whirring.we’re in Apocalypse Now!”

President Folt addressed reporters’ questions about the school’s recent disregard for free speech while trying to manage her bob with the wind. “Yeah, your little valedictorian can’t give a speech or whatever, but who gives a shit about that when you’ve got a 1,400 pound Robinson R44 Raven II going 130 miles per hour 100 feet over your fucking head.” After spinning in a circle with her arms out and failing to lift off, Folt became embarrassed and clarified to the crowd that Provost Guzman actually likes helicopters way more than she does.

President Folt continued to explain the situation: “One time CNN sent a news drone instead, and I didn’t like it because it just went ‘EEEEEEEEEEEKK’, but the helicopters go ‘RRUUUUHHHHH’ and if you get close enough the sound changes and they go ‘THWUMPA THWUMPA  THWUMPA.’” 

When asked how the admin’s collective love for whirlybirds will impact the school moving forward, Folt laid out significant campus changes including replacing PED with a landing pad and cutting WPH in half so they can fly even lower.