Carol Folt Announces She Is Two Police Calls Away From A Free Sandwich

By Dean Woods

LOS ANGELES, CA – On Sunday, May 5, 2024, Carol Folt called the LAPD to help their best buddies (DPS) clear the encampment in Alumni Park. After a record-breaking zero arrests, Folt was asked why she felt it necessary to call the police for such a peaceful suppression of free speech, to which she responded that she was only two 911 calls away from a free sandwich.

In an email to students and faculty, Folt wrote, “Dear Trojan family, thank you all for violating a couple of rules I just made up. I was able to call the police again, and I cannot wait to do it two more times.” Later in her email, Folt described why she was so excited about receiving a free sandwich from the police. “The extra oppression makes it taste really good. I would tell you all to try it sometime, but I’d rather you stick to EVK slop, peasants.”

Since this email, Folt has been on the prowl for any law-breaking rascals. She’s put on a hat and trenchcoat and has reportedly been seen walking around the village with a magnifying glass, looking for clues. A student offered Folt a sandwich that they made for her but was rejected. Folt’s reasoning was that “If the sandwich doesn’t have a hint of tear gas and gunpowder on it, then I don’t want it.”

Folt sent another email following a very peaceful and quiet day, with absolutely nothing happening on campus because everyone was banished from it, squirrels included. Folt’s email read, “Dear Trojan Community, maybe just break a couple more laws? Like two more would be perfect. Thanks, and fight on! P.S. I like extra tomatoes and no lettuce, with a side of rubber bullets. XOXO”