Matthew McConaughey: Thanks for Nothing, USC

by Matthew McConaughey

Photo by Gabbot

First off, I’d like to thank the Academy. Though the Oscars have not happened yet, I want to preface this with a sincere thank you for my nomination and soon-to-be win.

Now I want to be frank here and tell the fans (though I know you’re out there, please step up and make yourself known) that I am disappointed in your loyalty.

On January 18, 2014, I won the Screen Actors Guild Award for Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Leading Role. That night should have been filled with joy and acclaim, but I received anything but.

As I made my way out of the Official SAG After Party, which I attended for only ten minutes because I like to keep some mystique, I walked out to 32nd St to find a crowd of roughly fifty people cheering my name. Have I been demoted to Ashton Kutcher? How could you let this happen to me?

The pathetic crowd of fifty people comprised of USC students and homeless people couldn’t scream louder for me? You couldn’t beg for more pictures? Ask me to sign your shopping cart? I just don’t understand what I did to deserve this. I am competing with Bradley Cooper now, you guys. It used to be Matt Damon. I invented Bradley. What have you “fans” done?

And you’re so lucky to even see me at all. I mean, it’s not as if I haven’t done bad movies. Sure, there was Failure to Launch with Sarah Jessica Parker. I can assure you that pre-editing, it was still just as bad, which shows that the writing was the real problem, not my acting. I’d even say that Sarah Jessica’s Sex and the City fan-base was the reason behind the lack of success that family-oriented movie had.

But who can forget my classics? How to Lose a Guy in 10 DaysAngels in the OutfieldBoys on the Side? Alright, alright, alright, and Dazed and Confused. Sure, I played a sleazebag in that film who hit on underage students. But in real life, I don’t even like younger women. My wife Camila is 13 years younger than I am, sure, but that’s still legal. I wouldn’t say I even am older than her. Perhaps my mind is but my body is a solid 28-year-old’s. So if anything, she’s the one with a younger person.

It’s just Matthew McConau-gay this, and Matthew McConau-gay that. I am really not gay. Yes, I played a man with HIV in Dallas Buyers Club. But if I know anything about gay men, it’s that they make their presence known in any vicinity. More importantly, they are perfectly lovable.

But I feel like every time I waved or charmingly winked with my smirk and my stubble here and there, nobody even noticed me. How can you not notice this smirk/gaze combo paired with my body stance? Are you proud that you didn’t acknowledge the dedication of years and years of work put into perfecting that? I mean, I was born that way. My parents put years and years into creating the perfect egg and sperm that created me.

I mean, and yes, I played a male stripper in Magic Mike. But who’s to say every male stripper is gay? Who? The character work I have to do to prepare for roles like this is so different from my typical routine. I had to change the brand of hair products I use, which wouldn’t be so bad if the coif in the front was easier to maintain. My delicate curls need structure and guidance, just like any male actor.

I need structure, guidance, and love from the public. My coif won’t be the same without the support from my fans. And if I don’t get the support, then why do I even try? Should I stop trying? No, because there are young men out there who are just like me when I was their age.

I was naïve and didn’t use name-brand anti-frizz products. What I fool I was. When I look back at those pictures I see a man, nay, a boy who just needed that structure, guidance, and love for my coif.

Granted, last night I had my shirt on, so no one could really even see the figure I have. And that’s like, half or really even a good seventy-four percent of my allure. I do mostly work in the abdominal region. But of course I keep my arms and legs, but mostly the quads, pretty toned. More toned than the average toned person, I’d say. Can’t I be seen as someone other than this rugged yoga connoisseur?

My perfect tanned body is something to be appreciated more times than it actually is, but sometimes I just want to be known for more than just a Dolce & Gabbana model. I am a model who can act. And the American dream is to be successful doing something you love—and I love myself. What I’m trying to say is this: I need to be loved by everyone, but especially by my fans.

So in short, my fans, make yourself known. I forgive you for your wrongdoing. But remember in the future that I need you to show your support vocally, with signs, with cameras, and with a crowd of more than one hundred people. Peace and blessings.

Just Keep Living,



Written by Zoe Haddad