By Rachel Michelman
ST. LOUIS, MO – Thanksgiving is the time to acknowledge the little things one is thankful for: family, friends, and the lack of incessant, grotesquely vivid moans of your roommate having sex.
For University of Southern California junior, Mandy Gleeson, this couldn’t ring more true. “Even though we’ve got separate bedrooms off campus, the only wall separating me from the ‘Yes, Jeremy!’ coming from the room over is, like, really fucking thin,” said Gleeson from the privacy of her childhood home. “The four hour flight home only provides a five day respite until I’m back to the sounds of a knocking headboard and a squeaky twin XL frame not built to fit two grown individuals.”
When asked about the situation, Tammy Mulligan, Gleeson’s roommate and infamous sex haver, commented, “I don’t know why she’s mad about me having sex. It’s not like I don’t have to deal with hearing her cry every night while reciting Taylor Swift’s ‘All Too Well (10 Minute Version)’ word for word. I think we cancel each other out.” Mulligan’s partner, colloquially known as “Jeremy,” “Baby,” and “Ohfuckohgodyeskeepgoingohfuckyeah” remarked, “Don’t hate the player, hate the game. And Mandy’s got no game. That’s probably why she hates herself.” Eyewitnesses at an improv party last weekend can confirm that Gleeson has absolutely no ability to either give out or pick up on signals.
Gleeson is not the only student glad to be escaping the sounds of pleasure. Posts on Reddit’s r/USC community have noted a spike in finding condom wrappers on the common room couch, confusing the noises of vibrating sex toys with electric toothbrushes, and reports of the general student body being “down bad.”
Fortunately, Thanksgiving will allow these students a break from their roommate’s moans and will remind them why they stayed in college housing in the first place: to watch porn without being walked in on by their parents.