Tech Bro Tooth Fairy Puts Crypto Under Kids’ Pillows
By Rafael Diaz
SAN FRANCISCO — In a traditionalist tooth-fairying industry still using paper money, one tech-bro-turned-tooth-fairy is putting crypto under kids’ pillows instead. Brad Chadford, a USC Marshall School graduate and newly hired tooth fairy, says the idea came to him when he made $1,002 after investing his $1,000 graduation gift in Dogecoin.
“When I made my fortune in the blockchain, I felt like Morpheus leaving the Matrix,” said Chadford, “but now that I’ve seen the light, I need to bring tooth-fairying into the 21st century by starting a BLOCKCHAIN REVOLUTION. My disciples will be the children, and in exchange for teeth, I will give them my red pill: cryptocurrency.”
To achieve his goal of revitalizing the tooth-fairying industry, Chadford plans to give children a voucher to buy his proprietary crypto called Bitecoin, which he swears will be the future of the economy.
“I know it’s a little convoluted, but don’t worry, this coin is an infinite money glitch. All the kids have to do is buy my coin and watch the price skyrocket! I’m gonna, erm, I mean, those kids are gonna make a killing from this.” Chadford said.
Having left hundreds of Bitecoin vouchers under pillows across the area during his teeth-collection runs, Chadford has already converted several children to his crypto.
“At first, I was a little upset about not getting cold hard cash for my teeth,” said 6-year-old Jimothy Billiams, “but when the voucher said I could earn a gazillion pennies from Bitecoin, my mind was blown! That’s like, all the money in the world! I immediately got my mom’s debit card and bought $10000 of Bitecoin!”
However, other children, such as 7-year-old Skibby DiToilette, claim that Chadford’s new tooth-fairying system is “highkirkenuienly a scam.”
“The tooth fairy isn’t going to give us anything for our teeth,” said DiToilette while drinking a refreshing bottle of glue. “Bitecoin was worth less than Monopoly money when it first hit the market, and now the tooth fairy’s creating a hype train to pump up the price of his coin so he can sell it at peak value, tank its liquidity, and run off with the riches without compensating us.”
When pressed for a response to the scam accusations, Chadford said, “Nah, bro, they got it all wrong. I mean, sure, I own like 90% of the shares, but that’s just because I’m such a big believer in Bitecoin. It’s going to the moon! Just buy it, and you’ll see! And trust me, I wear a Patagonia vest and khakis, I know a winner when I see one.”
At press time, Bradford was seen starting a suspiciously large sale of his Bitecoin shares and making several wire transfers to an offshore bank account in the Bahamas.
