Performative Fall Grad Walking In Spring To Feel Included

By Noelle Medina

UNIVERSITY PARK –  These hoes ain’t loyal! Sly, manipulative and greedy fuck Bobby Doubletrouble reportedly registered for the Marshall School of Business commencement, despite staying for an entire extra semester to complete his PDP in fall 2026. 

“My Murdoch Endowed Masters in Ethical Consumption Under Capitalism is worth a million extra semesters… but I was in my feels when I heard how all my buddies were gonna get smashed at Rocks after walking, ” Doubletrouble explained. “I’m not even enrolled full time next semester anyways, so it doesn’t count, like car calories or that time a yellowjacket wrote me up for drunk driving a Lime scooter.” 

Inspired by his own struggles as a first generation fall graduate, Doubletrouble indicated his interest in piloting a club for students with similar fighting stories: “We’re calling it FGSA: Fall Graduate Student Assembly. At first it was Fall Assembly of Graduating Students, but admin flagged the acronym for some weird reason.”

While former interim president Beong-Soo Kim congratulates the normal graduates, fall grads will be ushered into a separate line to receive their diplomas from performative former president Carol Folt, to accommodate both parties’ clinically diagnosed FOMO.