By Sarah Cortina
NEW YORK — Following confirmation of his latest fling with supermodel Emily Ratajkowski, Pete Davidson cemented his feminist stance by showing that men too can further their career through sexual favors.
Davidson’s rise to notoriety began with his romance with Ariana Grande, known for carving his name in history through the titular sweetener track ‘pete davidson’ and the song’s reported length(10”, wait, I mean 1:13). After their breakup, Davidson was far from discouraged—his famous partner propelled him to further fame. Since then, he has been seen with women along the ranks of Kate Beckinsdale, Kaia Gerber, and has even managed to finagle his way into the American royal family (The Kardashians).
As he slept his way through Hollywood, the accolades accumulated in tangent with his celebrity body count. The SNL cast member found himself in a smash hit self insert film, walked at the Met Gala themed “Three Blind Mice,” and was even supposed to be launched into space.
When prompted about how her rise to power compared to that of Davidson, an anonymous CAA executive stated, “Like, what the fuck? He’s not even attractive. He just has silly one-liners and a massive dick! Plus, the most attractive women on the planet? I had to get groped by wrinkly old men as a sign of gratitude for doing twice the labor I was being paid for!”
Monica Lewinsky also had much to say. “Like, what the fuck? He gets ran through by the most powerful women in the country and he’s got that dog in him, but I chose the most powerful man in the country and I’m a fucking whore for the rest of my life? Fuck this.”
While the fresh romance with Ratajkowski appears to be going swimmingly, Davidson seems apt to choose a potential new partner carefully, in order to create the strongest power couple. Sources close to Davidson relay that his dream women include Hillary Clinton, Kamala Harris, and the ghost of RBG.
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