McCarthy Residents Encouraged to Report Socialist Peers to Administration
By Alex Choy
U.S.S.R.L.G.B.T.Q.I.A, RUSSIA – In order to weed out the commie, leftist, WOKE scum of the Earth students at the University of Socialism and Communism, DPS and McCarthy Honors College are launching a joint program, known as the Cardinal Scare. The program, which will roll out next semester, gives campus security the power to detain students accused of performing feminism, class consciousness, and other disgusting forms of tolerance.
Starting next fall, all the stuck-up, think-they’re-better-than-you McCarthy residents will be able to report their fellow Trojans’ names, ages, heights, genders, political affiliations, religions, sexualities, income levels, social media posts, family trees, star signs, and attractiveness on a 1-10 scale.
“Rest assured, we’re taking this matter very seriously,” said program ambassador Broseph Stalin, “Every sub-seven hottie will be investigated to see if they’re a threat to campus security.”
Assuming the program succeeds in McCarthy, forms will be sent to students in several other freshman dorms, including New North, Birnkrant, and Pardee. Despite its name, Marx Tower was excluded because nobody actually knows where it is. Parkside International Residential College has been deemed “too ethnic” and beyond saving. As such, students living there have been asked not to return to campus next semester.
Advocates for the Cardinal Scare point out the difficulty in weeding out more democratically-minded students. “It used to be easy to tell who among us was a liberal snowflake,” said Marshall student Wes T. Wood, “If you had dyed hair, out. If you had pronouns, donezo. If you liked free speech or tax money going to public programs, you were probably one of those soyboy, vaccinated, fake Americans. If you watched Glee, you were a twink malewife sissy bitch. Like dude, c’mon, Matthew Morrison wasn’t even that sexy. Now it’s way harder to tell who’s contributing to the downfall of American society. I saw this really hot chick, right, and I went up to offer her my specialty cocktail, Unconsensual Sex on the Beach, but then I found out she was a MAN! Icky!”
At press time, I have been reported to DPS for being too woke. As such, this will be my last article before I leave for a presidentially-approved Freedom Camp. Signing off, Alex Choy.
