OASIS Converted To DESERT

By Pablo Rodriguez

After many years of shitty stellar technological service to the USC community, OASIS has been shut down. In its place USC has implemented DESERT: Dry Educational and Secret Electronic Records Terminal. 

“The new system, while different, will serve our USC community even better than before,” said DESERT system administrator Derek Growler (no relation). “Instead of viewing their D- for a GE-E in complete silence, students can now receive a large gust of dry air along with heapfuls of sand to help ease the blow.”

The new DESERT platform has received mixed reactions. “It’s so easy to find my unofficial transcript, but whenever I do I start feeling really warm and thirsty,” said business major Steve Growler. 

Growler isn’t alone in his experience. “I was just trying to check my semester GPA, and then all of a sudden a camel appeared next to me,” said freshman Anthropology major Susie Kim. “What am I gonna do with a camel? I hate camels. They smell. They look weird. They eat my textbooks,” Kim went on for 30 minutes before breaking down and crying. 

While some are apprehensive about the new changes, others welcome them with open arms. “The desert… it calls to me. Its warm arms are like a mother’s embrace,” said sophomore Desert Major, Camel Sandman. Mid interview, Sandman opened DESERT, bringing in more gusts of sand to Sack HQ (Leavey Basement). “Do you not feel her call? The warmth, the strength? Do not reject the desert due to your mortal wants and needs.” After the interview Sandman immediately disintegrated into the giant pile of sand.

Even with only 24 hours of service, USC’s campus is now covered in sand and home to a new pack of camels. At least now there’s an alternative to those stupid fucking scooters.