Sperm Racing Rematch to Take Place in My Bedroom

By Ella Grossman 

LOS ANGELES — This Friday, the world’s first Sperm Race took place at LA Center Studio in Downtown Los Angeles. Following its immense success the event organizers have planned to have a rematch however this event will have an ulterior motivation: Get. Me. Laid. 

Due to budget constraints, the penaugural event will take place in my bedroom. The previous competitors, Asher Proeger and USC’s own Tristan Milker will not be returning on account of them not really being my type. All hopeful competitors must be clean (shaven and sexually), and will go through the same extensive screening process with the addition of a grueling set of Buzzfeed style personality quiz questions. Invites have been sent to Robert Irwin and Gabriel LaBelle, but their teams have declined comment. 

The half-time performance will not be Ty Dolla Sign and instead me singing Whitney Huston karaoke. Those who check their phone during my solo will be disqualified and I will be very sad. As for the staging, competitors will sit in my bed and lighting will be provided by my Amazon Galaxy Lamp, which some say is just as cool as a professional lighting setup. 

There will be no livestream or audience and if I’m not feeling it, the competitors and I will just watch Sex and the City on my laptop.