Youngest Child Kind of a Dud

By Amanda Douglas

PLEASANTON, CA – Reputable sources recently confirmed what everyone in his life already knew: second-grader Lawrence Duncan, the youngest of three siblings, is kind of a dud.

According to Lawrence’s English teacher Amy Haller, he is “an absolute sweetheart.” Still, he lives in the shadow of his older sister and brother. “Jack and Jodie were on a fifth-grade reading level by this age, and Lawrence tries really hard, but he mixed up diorama and diarrhea on his last vocab test,” Haller explained. “His Grand Canyon diorama is due on Friday, and I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t already contacted the custodial staff.” 

Lawrence plays left defender on a rec team each Tuesday. Coach Ricky Stewart commented, “He just sucks.” When asked for further elaboration, he added, “Last week Lawrence got distracted by a slug during the game and took a slight kick to the face. He cried like a goddamn baby.” For further context, Lawrence’s teammate Abagail Rose broke her leg in the same game and didn’t shed a tear until she reached the ER. 

Mother-of-three Sophie Duncan offered some insight on the situation. “The thing about kids is that you have to adjust your expectations for each one individually. While you might want Stanford and a law career and a destination wedding from one, maybe a nice collection of rocks and steady work as a temp is the best another can do,” she explained. “The latter is certainly true for my youngest.” Sophie is Lawrence’s mom.

In a shocking moment of social success, Lawrence received an invite to Robbie Milton’s birthday sleepover. Nobody was shocked, however, when Lawrence called his mom for a nine P.M. early pick-up like a total dud.