By Bill Rockas
INDIANAPOLIS, IN – Beloved drunkard Reuben Waine celebrated his employment as a driver by pregaming his first day at work.
Waine’s frat brothers reunited to celebrate this momentous occasion, staging one of the largest parties they’ve ever had. “Ruby Tuesday is the best driver out there. He’s so talented that I’ve never seen him drive the same vehicle twice!” exclaimed frat brother Blow Dart early into the proceedings. Waine downed whatever was placed in front of him until he couldn’t tell the difference between a stoplight and a pedestrian.
The party featured insane graphics containing screenings of road safety videos where Waine and his rowdy friends took a shot every time they heard the word “illegal”. Each attendee was also given an active road flare to hold next to one of the many kegs.
The all-nighter provided Waine with all the confidence needed to drive the brand new six-wheeler. “I don’t think I would’ve showed up for work without the pre-game,” said the drooling Waine now endowed with conviction and grace. He arrived at his station wearing an awesome beer helmet with tubes feeding into his mouth.
Unfortunately, some narc caught wind of Waine’s good time and called the cops. Waine was stopped and frisked by police officers where they found cans of Four Loko filled with jet fuel. He explained to the officers that because he drank with the intention of driving afterward, any real crime committed could only be cited as a “party foul”.
The stickler cops failed to understand so Waine ran free from their puritanical grip. He tripped, knocking off his helmet and suffering serious head trauma. The injury unfortunately ruined Waine’s plan to operate a school bus, bumming out many of the third graders on board. “But I wanted a morning rollercoaster!” whined Suzie T. upon hearing the tragic news.
Paramedics rushed to the scene and Waine was escorted out by an ambulance where he heroically pleaded “I swear I can drive this thing, just trust me. I love ambulances. C’mon just give me the wheel.”