by Joey Rayburn
ALBUQUERQUE, NEW MEXICO — Uh-oh, everybody. It’s time to batten down the hatches, call your spouse, and tell them you’re going to be late for dinner: some heretic just wished Mary McCluskey “Happy Honda Days.”
McCluskey, a God-fearing mother of eight, was out shopping at the local mall yesterday morning. “I was just minding my own business, striking down a woman who was trying to get her grubby hands on the Paw Patrol Sea Patroller that clearly had my son Michael’s name on it. That’s when… it happened.”
McCluskey found herself in a predicament when an unnamed Honda promotional employee, who we’ll call “Devon”, was passing out flyers in the food court. McCluskey, as any person would assume, didn’t see any harm in it.
“I’ve seen kids like this at the mall for years. They’ve never been anything but upstanding citizens. That is, until he wished me ‘Happy Honda Days’.”
That’s right, everybody. This fucking heathen “Devon” just said, “Happy Honda Days.”
“I always knew there was a raging war on Christmas happening in this country, but I never thought it would find its way to my front door,” McCluskey confessed.
The Sack ambushed “Devon” during his shift at the mall in hopes he’d want to explain himself.
“Look, I’m just doing my job,” explained the renowned Satanist known as “Devon.” He continued: “I only work for Honda for two reasons. One, I love my boss, Asimo. Two, I’m barely making payments on community college. Doesn’t this lady have more important things to worry about than me saying ‘Happy Honda Days?’”
While we all love Asimo, the lovable robot Honda created, not even his ability to sometimes walk successfully down stairs is enough to distract someone like McCluskey from the real reason for the season.
“Are you kidding me,” McCluskey responded. “What’s more important than the affront this pagan worshipping goose turd not only threw at me, but our Father who art thou in Heaven?”
The Sack reached out to Honda for comment. Honda responded with this statement:
“IT IS I, ASIMO. YEAR AFTER YEAR, YOU PRIMITIVE BEINGS SQUAK OVER WHAT IS THE PROPER WINTER SOLSTICE GREETING. CLEARLY, ‘HAPPY HONDA DAYS’ IS THE ONLY ONE THAT IS INCLUSIVE TO ALL WHILE ALSO CELEBRATING THE 2018 HONDA CIVIC AND ITS BLUETOOTH CONNECTIVITY. BEGONE THE DAYS OF ‘MERRY CHRISTMAS’ AND RELISH IN THE WORLD OF ASIMO. さようならと幸せなホンダの日々”
Clearly, there will be little help to combat the War on Christmas propaganda from its source. Still, this whole ordeal has only inspired McCluskey to not give up.
“Us Anglo-Saxon-Middle-to-Upper-Class-White-People have suffered in this country for far too long,” McCluskey articulated. “It’s time we take a stand — like we should all do during the national anthem, by the way — for what we believe in and demand everyone in this country respect the sanctity of ‘Merry Christmas’ just like we don’t with their religious expressions!”
Whether or not McCluskey and others across this great nation of ours can fend off the politically correct liberals and keep this country great remains to be seen. All that is truly known is that Asimo is kick-ass.