by Matt Kalina
Maxie McKittens, known affectionately by EVK-goers as EVKitty, is scheduled to be put down next Thursday, February 7th. The cat was charged with attempting to steal food from EVK in spite of the strict laws prohibiting such action.
“He wasn’t able to pay the $100 fine,” EVK spokesman Robert Samuelson declared, “so we will have to do the only logical and humane thing that we can: kill him.”
The incident that McKittens has been charged with occurred last Tuesday, January 29th at 7 PM. The DPS report states that EVKitty attempted to take approximately three grams of chicken scrap from an unsuspecting student’s plate.
After having procured the morsel, EVKitty made a break for a nearby dumpster to enjoy the contraband in peace. During the escape, the cat’s rotund body was lodged in between two bars in the fence surrounding Everybody’s Kitchen. He was quickly apprehended by authorities.
The cat’s eventual execution will be performed in the most cost-effective manner possible: forced ingestion of EVK bacon.
“You see, EVK bacon is absolutely toxic. It violates sixteen United Nations protocols as well as the Geneva Conventions, not to mention EPA, FDA, and various other federal and state regulations. It would only take about 15, no maybe 16 milligrams of the stuff to put down a common stray,” says Professor Rosenthal of the Biological Toxicity Department.
“The real trick of the execution will be getting a living organism to consume such a noxious substance. My research team will be in attendance for a scientific analysis of the entire affair.”
Local animal rights groups are outraged at the University’s response. “You can’t just go around killing stray animals because they cannot pay a fine,” said self-proclaimed cat aficionado and Phallic Art Studies major Linda Liu.
EVKitty was unable to comment on the matter, presumably petrified by the thought of such a horrendous fate.