By Drew Thomas-Nathan
SILVER LAKE, CA — Following Warner Brothers Studios’ announcement that its entire 2021 slate of films would be available for streaming on HBO Max the same day they release in theaters, local film savant Harrison Dorriz announced that he would rather risk death than miss seeing Godzilla vs Kong on the big screen.
Dorriz said the announcement came from a place of desperation. “I miss seeing movies in an enclosed space with disgusting, possibly contagious strangers so much,” he said. “The last movie I saw in a theater was Sonic the Hedgehog on Valentine’s Day.” Dorriz believed he could escape the crushing loneliness of being single on that holiday by seeing the Sonic movie, which he thought would not have a lot of couples in the audience. “I was wrong. Furries. Front row. They were all over each other.”
Dorriz said he doesn’t want the Sonic incident to be his last experience in a movie theater. “It’s not like I don’t believe in the virus. I’ve been staying inside since March. But if you think I’m going to miss seeing the kaiju battle of the century in IMAX with Dolby digital surround sound roars, you thought wrong.”
Harrison Dorriz is a respected local authority on film issues. His roommate Barry Woods described him as a genius. “He’s the one who introduced me to CinemaSins.”
Dorriz’s friend Lenny Torres recalled enjoying deep discussions with Dorriz over the years. “One time we were talking Star Wars and I mentioned I liked The Last Jedi,” said Torres. “Harrison took a deep breath and patiently explained how I was completely wrong, how that movie was a spit in the face for Star Wars fans, and that it should be illegal to write a movie with that many deus ex machinas.” Torres admitted he doesn’t know what a deus ex machina is but the talk still “changed my whole perspective.”
Warner Brothers itself was delighted by Dorriz’s announcement. Company CEO Ann Sarnoff seemed confident, saying, “Sure there are lots of insanely rich, famous, influential directors, actors, and other talent who are livid with our direct to HBO Max decision, but fans like Harrison Dorriz are the bedrock of our business. As long as peasants like him want to see Batman fight Yosemite Sam or whatever, even if they’re willing to risk a slow and painful death, it’s our duty to provide for them.”
Sarnoff also deconfirmed speculations that the move was a hasty attempt to boost HBO Max’s disappointing numbers, adding that tons of people totally joined the service to watch “The Witches.”