Alternate Fountain Run to be Held at Lorenzo

by Staff

Seniors reacted with a mixture of anger and dismay when USC administrators announced their decision to cancel the Fountain Run, a cherished tradition where Seniors wade in every fountain on campus after the last day of classes.

The Office of Student Affairs ordered the draining all fountains on campus and have DPS patrol to prevent any unlicensed revelling after the 2014 celebration led to the destruction of a bronze fountain worth $20,000, and moderate damage to four sorority girls, worth $80,000 each.

Last year’s damage occurred despite fences surrounding the fountains for safety. When a stampede of students quickly knocked down the fences, one onlooker described it as “worse than 7pm at Chipotle.”

USC Student Affairs also created a propagandistic facebook page to alter student’s impressions of thetraditional event with slogans such as “Fountain Run:  It’s Destructive” and “Fountain Run:  It’sDangerous,” further alienating students.11068395_442502152572696_6184297235333830195_n

Capitalizing on the opportunity, the upscale Lorenzo Apartment announced it will host an alternative to the fountain run on the same night, “USC Senior Fountain Frolic.”

“We have over 38 upscale fountains at the Lorenzo, as well as three luxury heated swimming pools, five decadent hot tubs, and a Las Vegas Resort­style bird bath.” boasted Lorenzo marketing director Louisa Tramma.

She also commented that students need not worry about contributing to the California drought because all the water comes from bottles of SmartWater™ bought at locally sourced Starbucks.

“There will be plenty of space for the seniors to come with their friends, sip a margarita or six,splash in the fountains, celebrate the end of their great four years, and then come on down to our leasing office to lock down our low, low 2015­-2016 rates!”


The facebook event for the “Fountain Frolic” can be accessed here.