President Nikias Gets Arm Stuck in Burrito Machine

by Jori Barash

PARKSIDE––Campus was abuzz this week with arrival of innovative, new technology, and no one was excited as university president, C.L. Max Nikias.

Students, faculty, and visitors waited for as much as 4 hours to see the revolutionary machine in action. Sources confirm that Burritobox was indeed a box that served fresh burritos, and that most likely, no small person was operating the device from within.

“I mean, yeah, it was cool. But after so many hours of waiting for one burrito, I was dragging my feet. Not like President Nikias. He was three spots behind me line, and man, the entire time- he was pacing side-to-side with his face lit up,” said sandwich engineering major Chad Poatly.

“Most of us sat down and just kinda slid as the line moved, but he kept standing walking around to ask people if they liked burritos, or if they’d seen a machine make one before.”

After hours of waiting, Mr. Nikias was the next person in line when the BurritoBox ran out of burritos. According to Pasadena resident Nina Veces, “the old guy? Yeah, he just stood there for staring at the burrito machine. When I came back an hour and a half later, he was still there. I’ve never seen disappointment like that in someone’s eyes.” 

An unpublished DPS report reveals that at 5:36am this morning, President Nikias had returned to Parkside Area and reached inside the machine to retrieve his long-awaited purchase when he became trapped. An unconfirmed source quotes the attending DPS officer, “Looks like you’d give an arm and a leg for a good burrito.”