Letter: Why Are People Still Coughing? By C. L. Max Nikias

Fellow Trojans!

Now that April is over, we are only a few days into May, which is the fifth month of the year.  May is the gateway to summer, and frankly, one of the most carefree months in terms of summer’s beginning.

I hope you have all received my summer reading list. I look forward to discussing the shortest of these texts with five students who read them. Next year’s summer reading will consist entirely of Buzzfeed articles, in an attempt to get you people to read.

I’m sorry. I’m losing my train of thought. As I was about to say:

I need you all to stop coughing. Coughing is a winter pastime. This is California. There should never be any coughing. But I let that slide between November and February, when temperatures plummeted into the upper 50s and torrential sprinkles of rain doused our campus with illness and malaise.

But this is April 29th. April freaking 29th. You know who is still coughing on April 29th? Nobody. Except a bizarrely high number of USC students. And I can’t have coughing, not this close to summer.

So, let me be the first to offer my help to those of you who ail. I have cough drops, I have EmergenC, and I have an immune system that your diseases are on the verge of compromising. I will literally allow you to use my golf cart to visit the campus health center and receive necessary medical attention. It’s free. There’s no reason to not go to the health center.

There’s a word for people who don’t go to the health center, it’s dead. If you’ve gone to the center, I applaud you, and am far less annoyed (and slightly more terrified of what appears to be the cough of a lifetime smoker).

Good luck on finals,

President Nikias


photo by Neon Tommy