by Karan Menon
USC — A recent study found that the genome of the average RA at McCarthy Honors College contains 50% bloodhound DNA, confirming what pretty much everyone was already thinking.
“The McCarthy RA has been a specimen of interest in the scientific community ever since one of them famously wrote up a resident faster than the common ostrich can run,” explained Dr. Gustav Brandt, who headed the project under an international grant sponsored by National Geographic. “It was obvious they aren’t completely human. The question was: what are they?”
“One night, an RA came into our suite and ‘saw’ a beer can that was literally on the other side of a wall in my friend’s fanny pack,” said Kelly Harrison, a resident who offered to assist on the project after receiving her fifth write-up. “I thought it was echolocation. You know, bats and shit.”
Freshman Anthony Davis had an equally intriguing experience. “I waved to my RA when I passed her in the corridor last week,” recalled Davis, “And for a split second, I swear to god, she bared her fangs at me. She tried to play it off, but I watch the Nature Channel. I know a Black Mamba when I see one.”
Despite these various theories, one key element ultimately cracked the case. Researchers received multiple accounts of McCarthy RAs sniffing everyday objects. “With just a single whiff of a backpack, gum wrapper, or a pair of used birkenstocks, they could identify the correct owner every time,” said Dr. Brandt. “My money was on bloodhound or great white shark. DNA testing confirmed bloodhound.”
The study also revealed that bloodhound DNA allows RAs to smell not just illegal substances but also suspicious emotions, such as fear and fun. This explains reports of RAs knocking on residents’ doors when all they did was think about playing water pong or starting an underground fight club.
McCarthy RAs declined to comment, and then proceeded to get on all fours and shit on the ground.