Soapy Joe’s Laundry Service Discontinued, Students Outraged

by Caroline Langella

Soapy Joe’s Laundry Service, the “most trusted name in garment care,” recently announced plans to move their business away from the USC campus.

When begged for answers, the company issued the following statement: “We feel that there comes a time in life when people must grow up and learn how to do their own laundry. That time has come for USC students. Now they must do what turns a boy into a man: wash, dry, and fold.”

While Soapy Joes seems to believe in the competency of USC students, several students are not so confident. “This is an outrage,” said John Green, freshman and Orange County native, “What are we supposed to do, mail our dirty clothes home for our maids to wash?”

USC Bookstores expects its sales to reach an astonishing record high this week due to students frantically purchasing Trojan gear. “I just hope to buy some time before a new laundry service appears,” says sophomore, Daniela Rosche.

“There are no other options,” Kitty James, a Beverly Hills native, argued. “I have to buy more clean clothes so that I won’t like, run out.”

How can students recover from this life-altering event? To properly educate the victims of this incident on what it means to “do your own laundry,” President Nikias quickly declared his directive to add a new course, addressing laundry.

The class, HUED 352, has been referred to as the “Cost-effective Living Seminar.” There’s still some debate over whether the class will be hosted by the sustainability school or Marshall. The course will provide students with everything they need to know about properly cleaning clothes. 

Lecture topics will include “Washer vs. Dryer: What’s the Difference?” “The Meaning of the Word Detergent,” and “Locating Your Floor’s Laundry Room.” While the professor has not been officially announced, there are rumors that a few stars from the hit reality TV show Beverly Hills Nanniesagreed to guest-lecture.

When asked about moving on, Green retorted, “At least I’ll never have to cook my own food!”