By Charlie McCollum
LOS ANGELES, CA — Local film snob and well-publicized threat to women everywhere Marcel Caspér was found heartbroken outside of Norris Theater this past Wednesday, gripped with the realization that the “Film” he was watching was in fact just a movie.
“In this Mecca we call Norris, never has a more disgraceful thought reached me,” lamented the brooding Caspér. It seemed to confound Caspér that what he was viewing was not a sequence of images which gave him a deeper truth of how the world operates, but actually just a 90 minute montage of sight and sound that he could project his feelings onto to validate his shrinking sense of self-worth.
The visual sequence in question was from a “film” called The Boss Baby 2. Caspér reportedly became so absorbed in a scene, where the titular character, a Baby (who looks like a Boss), escapes the bad guys, even to the point of “fist pumping.” This trademark of post-modernity was an obvious sign that the piece was not cinema, but simply entertainment. Humiliated and morally compromised, Caspér subsequently pooped his pants, puked over his “100% silk” french scarf, and was seen rushing out of the building.
For the past 24 hours, Caspér has experienced some sort of existential crisis outside of the building. “I don’t know what happened to me.” said Caspér, shakily bringing a seventh cigarette to his mouth. “However I must persist, for the sake of my vision. Persistence of vision. Get it? …Guess that was back when the good professors were around.” He then proceeded to bark at a passing CTCS 190 student.
Other students at the event also had their own opinions on the visual work. “That movie was cool,” said Sean, 22.
As a result of this occurrence, SCA has vowed to change their official name from School of Cinematic Arts to “Watch Movie For Grade”