From the Archives: Jesus Goes Another Round, Comes a Second Time
By Liam Stephenson
BETHLEHEM – After getting stripped to his underwear and tied up to a wooden pole, local wisdom prostitute Jesus H. Christ has decided that coming once simply isn’t enough.
“After letting a group of men eat me and drink my blood, I want more,” stated Mr. Christ after dying. “I need to come again – and hard. Daddy in the sky told me to.” Coming twice in a row might be the evidence that Mr. Christ needs to prove that God is, in fact, deep inside him.
Local degradee Judas Iscariot, however, is not taking the news well. “I literally hate him, ugh. I never want to see his beautiful brown hair, muscular body, and strong, nail-pierced hands again,” Judas moaned. “I bet he wants to wrestle me for what I did to him. Can you ask him? Can you ask him if he wants to tussle with me in some mud?” The journalist interviewing Judas did not reply, as he is Mormon and interprets Judas’ words differently.
Witnesses of Mr. Christ’s second coming are currently working on a book of voyeuristic erotica called “the Bible.” Some of the book’s stories include “Virgin Mary Impregnated by God, Cuck Saint Joseph Watches,” and “Noah Gets Wet and Wild with Animals.” The authors of the book, who write on clay pads on Watt street, are forming a writer’s coalition called “Wattpad.”
Reportedly, society plans on celebrating the occasion by letting a 6’1”, bipedal rabbit enter people’s houses and shit in woven baskets. “Yeah, I was high as shit when I thought of that,” commented God on Easter traditions. “I got too faded off the crucifix pack and wrote the lore 20 minutes before it was due.” Mother Earth was reportedly unsatisfied with God turning in Easter late and created white people as a punishment.
In spite of the big news, the question remains whether or not Jesus is white. “I am not white” stated Jesus, citing his Palestinian heritage and brown skin. Unfortunately, it seems this mystery will never be solved.